As I mentioned when I first started this blog, I am willing to get dates from anywhere – online websites, friend set-ups, random homeless guys on the street…I mean dates from ANYWHERE. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers, and if I’m gonna make this 50 date goal, I gotta pick it up!
Even though I started out with this philosophy, the online dating forum seemed to be the avenue that was bringing in the most dates. Or lets be really honest, it was the ONLY place I was getting any dates from.
But then out of the blue came this date with DN…it came from a real life meeting…someone who actually met me in person, and after that still hit on to me, and after that still wanted to go on a date! Someone who…well, before I go any further, we need to start at beginning…
A couple of months ago (yes, you read that right…I know I’m slacking on the blogging), I was spending the weekend with one of my best friends…it was her birthday. First a big group of friends went out during the day wine tasting…all day…then the party was scheduled to end up at a bar later that night. By the time I had gotten to the bar, I had been drinking for a good solid 12 hours that day, but we knew it was going to be a long day, so we had been pacing ourselves pretty good. However, I would be lying to you if I didn’t say I was “feeling pretty good” by that time. We had taken the time in between the wine tasting adventure and the bar, to change clothes and spruce up. There were several people who were coming to this “bar portion” of the birthday festivities that had not been out with us all day, so I was trying to look presentable. The bar was called “South” – and their slogan was “Where true Sothern Style meets Southern California” Sounds just like me!
When we got to the bar, there were a few people gathered by the pool tables. The birthday girl introduced us to this group of people that were there for her b-day…you know when friend groups collide...college friends, meet my work friends…work friends, meet my college friends. Immediately there was this taller guy that I was drawn to, but he was with a really pretty girl. Gah, seems like everyone in LA is always taken! “Oh well,” I thought and went about by “bar” business. However everywhere I turned this guy was hanging out with me. I was at the pool tables, he was there. I went to get a drink at the bar, he was there. I hung out in the lounge area, he was there. Hmmm. Is this guy hitting on me? With his girlfriend there? Although that scenario wouldn’t surprise me in LA, the real situation finally became clear when DN’s lady friend seemed ready to go. He told me in front of her that she was his wing-woman. Shortly after he blurted out that he really liked me and would like to hang out sometime soon. Oh how the tables had turned! So we traded phone numbers and then he took off.
Before the night was over, I received a text from him saying how happy he was to meet me tonight. This was looking promising.
Over the following month, we would text several times back and forth and had several failed meetings including: - Failed last minute weekday dinner due to indecision, living in different towns, and him getting of work much earlier than I - Failed weekend plans – “not feeling up for it” - And more “schedules just not meshing”
By this point I was starting to be over it…DN was the one always the one canceling or not feeling up for it. I know for a fact that my work schedule was much crazier than his (he literally has a M-F, 10-6 job – very different from me). I even texted him a month into this back and forth saying that I felt like the forces were against us. I think he got the hint because after that he was adamant to find a day that would work. So we finally committed to an upcoming weekday, and low and behold that day actually rolled around. On the date day, he texted me late afternoon to check and make sure we were still good for that night; I confirmed that we were. The next text he sent me was a bit more surprising…he said:
“would you be down to just like hang at your place or something. I’m feeling super broke”
Okay, for me there were MANY things wrong with this text. A – you can NOT come to me house on a first date, please don’t ask. I don’t know you and I think coming to my apartment is inappropriate for a first date. B – I do sympathize with your financial troubles, but maybe that is not the best thing to tell someone that you are trying to impress. And C – broke or rich, you have had a MONTH to think about this date and you have no ideas besides inviting yourself over to MY place???
Ughhh, I’m feeling really fed up at this point, but I politely text him back that my place was not an option (citing my roommate as a reason, although it really was much more than that). So he then texted me back, “what do you think for tonight then?” It was clear that he had no other ideas. Busy, and frustrated at work (and now this situation), I told him back “I’m sure there is some free stuff to do in this city.” It’s now past 6pm and I know he is off work. It’s a little thing called Google buddy – it can give you lots of ideas. He did not take my cue to come up with a plan, in fact, he didn’t respond back at all. So of course I took it upon myself to figure it out…I Googled “free dates in Los Angeles.” And as suspected, a million things popped up, and one in particular caught my eye – Griffith Park. It’s an observatory and outdoor park with beautiful LA views, and it’s FREE!
Perfect I thought, so I texted him the idea. He wrote back:
“Hmmm is it open/is there drinking there?”
Again buddy, get online and help me out here! I happened to know that he is in the IT industry, so he can not claim that he doesn’t have a computer or not know how to work this internet thing. But instead I again text him back with the answers “open til 10, and you can byob, so we could bring drinks up there” I’m pretty much laying out this whole date for him. He has offered nothing – no suggestions, no ideas, no help. After coming up with a great suggestion and handing it to him on a silver platter, instead of being thankful, he then sends the following text:
“That doesn’t sound too bad. Do you have to pay to park?”
I lost it. Are you freaking serious? “Doesn’t sound too bad?” Really? Did you have any other ideas? And “do you have to pay to park?” LOOK IT UP YOURSELF!!!!!!! SO finally I snapped back with a bit of a snarky response.
“No you don’t. Feel free to Google other options, I’m up for suggestions.”
He then responds “Actually that sounds pretty rad…8:30 maybe?” Well then…I’m glad I finally got on board. Anything else I can do for you? Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m gonna stop and get wine and snacks. In his defense, he did offer to pick up the drinks, but I was beyond frustrated at this point and didn’t even want to talk about “what should we get” etc. So I just told him I would grab stuff.
So I quickly scurried off from work, stopped by the grocery store for a bottle of wine and some snacks. Then ran to my house, got a blanket and wine glasses. As I was driving up to Griffith Park, I tried to psych myself up. Clearly I was cranky from the flakiness and unhelpful nature of the lead-up to this date, but I was trying to let it go. I didn’t want to take my bitterness into the date as that would not make anything better.
As I pulled up, I saw DN sating there at the front of the observatory., which looked gorgeous all lit up at night
I parked and met him. He helped me grab the blanket and things I brought. We actually found a café a table with view of the city – it wasn’t very busy since it was set to close in about an hour. We cracked open the wine, and dove into conversation. We talked about how we got to LA, what we do, where we live, our future plans, etc. The conversation actually wasn’t too bad. I remember thinking at one point as we were chatting, “this is pretty easy.” Before we knew it, there were announcements being broadcast that park would close in 15 minutes. I suggested that we walk around the observatory to see the amazing views because I had never been there before.
So we did a circle around the building and it was so worth it! The views were AMAZING.
After the short walk, we headed towards the parking lot to take off. My car was closer so he hopped in and I drove him to his car. Sitting in my passenger seat, DN started telling me what a great time he had and how he would like to see me again, and then he leaned in and gave me a peck. It was sweet.
I left the date so torn. The hour that we spent together was fun – good conversation and he was a sweet guy, but I couldn’t get out of my mind the events leading up to the date. I started to reason that maybe it was because he was a year younger than me (because I normally go for older guys), but really would a year make all that much of a difference? The other thing that struck me during our conversation was his lack of ambition (which I think goes hand in hand with lack of date planning). I think I need someone that can go toe to toe with me. I move fast, and I need someone to keep up. I’m not sure DN is that guy.
The current dating score: The internet – 0 for 8 Real Life – 0 for 1
As I sit down to write this blog, the TV is on and a Match.com commercial starts to play. Two singles sit a dinner table…they laugh and are surprised by all their common interests…”that’s my favorite too!”…they flirt incessantly and at the end proclaim how wonderful the date was and they can’t wait for another…tomorrow. Why do these people seem to have amazing chemistry on first dates??? Is it just me that this doesn’t happen for or is it false advertising?
Well, without further ado, on to my REAL LIFE Match.com date.
I first reached out to MT on Match.com – he was one of my “5 daily matches” – the people that the computer thinks will be good matches for you. After checking out his profile, I sent him a wink. We e-mailed back and forth a few times sharing all of our common interests and similarities: I have a big family…Me Too! I like football…Get out, so do I. I have a job…Praise the Lord
See, instant connection just like the commercial!
So after a few e-mails, we decided to meet up on a Sunday night. When Sunday rolled around, I was out on a bike ride with friends and MT texted me to solidify plans for that night. He sweetly offered to come my direction for the date. You see, he lives down in Manhattan Beach, and for those of you that are not familiar with LA, it’s probably about 30-45 minutes away from me (or an hour+ in traffic). I was very grateful that he was willing to come up in my direction, so I figured I better come up with some local suggestions. Then it hit me. My church was a having a carnival/festival – whatever you want to call it – that I had been trying to go to all weekend. And this was no measly carnival – it had big rides, lots of games, and Erik Estrada...I mean, come on! I guess I’m a sucker for cheesy carnivals, what can I say? Plus it meets my requirements for a first date – activities to do plus alcohol available! I suggested the carnival to MT and he was up for it.
The bike ride I was on had stopped at a bar for some downtime and refueling. During this time, I was texting back and forth with MT working out the carnival details for that night. Just as my group was getting ready to head out, MT called me. He figured a quick conversation would be easier than the texts. So I was standing outside of the bar on the phone with him chatting, and just as were saying goodbye, a loud, rambunctious, drunk group of people come out of the bar. One of the girls in the group slapped me on the butt when she walked by. I was still on the phone and was left completely speechless. After a few moments of silence, I stuttered out the words, “Oh, uh sorry…okay, yeah, I’ll talk to you later” and hung up. It was definitely an awkward goodbye – thank you drunk girl at the bar for interrupting my conversation…
So I finish up with my friends and head home to get ready. Quick shower, and change of clothes and I’m ready to go. We agreed to meet at 6:30 – basically as soon as he could get there. The other good thing about the carnival is that it closed at 8 that night, so it was a guaranteed out if things didn’t go well! I headed on over the carnival a little after 6, I decided to walk since it was only a couple block away. When I get there, I get the lay of the land and grab a beer. MT texts me that traffic is bad and he is still a few minutes away. To pass the time, I play this color gambling game that was really fun. Eventually he calls me to say that he is parking and I go to the front entrance to meet him. From the time I had gotten there an ambulance had pulled up to the front of the entrance and they were treating someone for something…unsure if this was a bad omen, I told him that he would see the entrance when he saw the ambulance. I see MT walk in and I give him a wave. Cue uncomfortable meeting…
Side note – let’s face it, these first meetings are awkward. You are never sure if they will look like their pics, and they generally don’t. MT was shorter than I thought (a trend that seems rampant with internet dating)…but beyond the quick physical assessment, the first hello is always a bit awkward. I’m a "hugger," so I always go in for a warm welcome. Sometime it is received well, sometimes not, but I figure I just gotta be me. Back to your regularly scheduled program, the date…
So after our quick, awkward hello, I engage in some small talk – “how was your drive?” etc. He seemed pretty shy, so to ease him in I asked if he wanted to get a drink or what he wanted to do first. He agreed that a drink sounded good so I lead him over to the beer tent. After getting his drink we wander a little aimlessly, I show him the place I was gambling and we stop in to play a couple of rounds. I suggest that we get some ride tickets since the carnival wasn’t open that long. We head to the ticket book and I buy a strand of tickets.
First up, I suggest the swings – seemed like a nice harmless way to start. For those of you that are Nashville readers or those that had ever been to Opryland…remember the Kick Booty swings? Loved those! Well these swings weren’t that big, but they raised up off the ground a good bit and looked fun, so we stood in line and then boarded. I sat directly in front of MT. I looked back and gave him a smile before we took off…
We started going round and round, picking up speed and really swinging pretty far out. It was fun, but about half-way through we start going pretty fast…woo, I was a little woozy! And I love theme park rides – what was going on??! Right before it got any worse, we started slowing down and it was over. Phew. MT and I laugh about how that was pretty fast for a carnival ride. And we look over to the gravitron ride (the one where you are pressed against the wall and it spins really fast)
We both decided we should pass. Turns out the nerves of first dates and fast spinning rides may not go well together!
That, or I’m just getting old…
So after the swings, we decide to hit up the big Ferris Wheel – I figured this would be a nice time to chat. As we make our way over, I run into people from work…”Oh...hi! How’s it going?” Now for me, I keep my life pretty compartmentalized, so when my worlds collide I can become pretty uneasy. However, I have to say I stayed pretty cool. I introduced Matt as my friend (not as my date), but I’m sure it was obvious. We small talk for a minute about how wonderful our neighborhood is and how we are suckers for carnivals :) I mentioned the carnival closing at 8, so we all decided we better get going and we went our separate ways. As we parted, MT asks “So, was that awkward for you running into your work friends?” I brush it off as if it was no big deal because I didn’t want MT to feel uncomfortable and I thought I was pretty good with it all, but “awkward” did cross my mind. So we finally make it to the Ferris Wheel line and board the ride. It was one of those bucket ones where you can sit on both sides and it rocks. As we get in, we realize it would be unsteady for us to both sit on the same side, so he sits across from me.
As we sit in out bucket, I realized the sun was about to set. How romantic! I was excited to share this moment with MT, but then…well…it was…it was just nothing… Conversation lagged…and I’m not one that has to fill every moment of silence, but the silence was deafening. So I asked him questions…questions about his job, his family, living in LA…then I marveled at the view…but still I felt like I was getting nothing in return from him. Finally the ride was over and we got off.
It was now dusk and the carnival would be closing soon. However still having a couple tickets, we talked about doing on more ride, and we decided on the good ole Tilt A Whirl. It was nice to finally have a ride where we could sit next to each other. And besides that, I just love the Tilt A Whirl!
So we boarded the Tilt A Whirl and had a blast - probably my favorite ride of the night. I might have even yelled out in delight a couple times, but I will never tell you for sure…
After the Tilt A Whirl, the carnival was pretty much winding down. I had bought some raffle tickets, so we stuck around to hear them call out the winners (pretty much the last thing to happen at the carnival, and once we realized we were not the big winners, we called it a night.
We walked to the church intersection, where his car was parked one way and my apartment was the other way. He offered to walk me home (again, very sweet), so he then accompanied me on the 2 block walk and then gave me a hug goodbye.
After he got home, he sent me a nice text:
Hi Nicole, just wanted to say that I an home safe and sound…also I enjoyed your company a lot!! You have a sweet personality :)
It was a nice gesture and nothing went horribly wrong on the date, but nothing went incredibly great either. There were no sparks like the commercial…no "I can’t wait until he calls me" feeling…no longing for the next date.
Is this normal or do I want too much?
Darn TV advertisements. I suppose its God punishing me for producing reality TV…
–noun 1. a delay or cessation for a time, esp. of anything distressing or trying; an interval of relief: to toil without respite.
2. temporary suspension of the execution of a person condemned to death; reprieve.
Okay, so my Dating Respite is probably closer to the first definition. I’m not trying to equate this process to an execution, but hey…it isn’t easy! I apologize for the delay in posting an entry for this blog, but I have to be honest – it is because there has been a delay in the actual dating. I feel I owe you all an explanation…
#1…There was my car…my lease was up, and I decided I wanted to buy my next vehicle, so for a month my weekends were consumed with car shopping, car research on the internet, car test driving, etc.
#2…Work has been kicking my butt recently. Just last week, I didn’t leave the office before 10pm any night, putting in over 12 hours of work every day. It exhausts you – when you come home the last thing you want to do is go online and “look for a date.” And yes, I know that part of the whole reason of doing this whole 50 dates thing was to push me out of the office earlier, but sometimes it can’t be helped.
#3…And probably the biggest factor…Internet Dating has been very disheartening lately. I think I might have been spoiled at the beginning with semi-normal guys responding to me, but it seems I have taken a turn for the worse. It’s unexplainable really…the things these guys say…their profiles… The only way I can articulate this is to show you some examples. Brace yourself…
The Cheesy E-mails:
hey sexy ;) Can i save your pictures to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist? ;-) Edi
Really? How many times have you e-mailed girls that line? And has it ever once worked?
The “Older Man” e-mails:
Do you need a sugar daddy! You sound like a lot of fun? You willing to take a chance with me?
John
Ummmm No…I’m not on a sugar daddy site, I’m looking for a soulmate…or just a date my age! Not looking to be a modern day prostitute, thanks. Please refer to my posted age bracket – you are way out of it. Thanks, please do not come again.
The Weirdos:
4113n: Heya, toots. How do your feet smell?
OR
StrayMystique: hey you wanna go halfsies with me on a baby?
No comment…on either…
The Conversations Gone Bad On many of these sites there is a “chat feature” similar to an Instant Messenger where you can chat back and forth in real time. 75% of the time, I don’t respond because it’s a creepy message (see above) or I’m just not interested. But some guys’ profiles seem normal, and I’ll respond back and then it goes horribly wrong…
Okay, so this first example…I probably shouldn’t have even responded to his first line, but I looked at his profile and he seemed nice and normal…so I figured maybe his first comment was an uncomfortable ice breaker. (moms and grandmas – you may want to skip this example)…
hereigoagain1: hot pics, can we say wood?
nicole: haha
hereigoagain1: ;)
nicole: thanks
hereigoagain1: seriously, I'm hard as a rock
hereigoagain1: lol
hereigoagain1: lol
hereigoagain1: I have a huge one, btw
nicole: good for you
hereigoagain1: how big is big to u?
hereigoagain1: ....
hereigoagain1: ??
nicole: sorry, not interested in talking about that
hereigoagain1: just curious
hereigoagain1: i can tell u my size
Really??? As you can see, I tried to ignore his messages, but he was relentless. Enough was enough, so I blocked his profile – which means he can’t email me or IM me.
The second conversation is creepy, scary, and sad all rolled into one…and a little much for me to deal with on a dating site…
Guy: hey Nicole how u doing
Nicole: great
Nicole: how are you?
Guy: doin ok I suppose, bad day for me right now
Guy: what are u doin up so late? My sister also lives in Franklin
Nicole: sorry its a bad day!
Nicole: oh, I'm a night owl
Nicole: need to make myself go to bed though - days keep getting earlier and earlier
Guy: cool, so am I...but sorry to do this to you, I have been a crying all night, tonight is the night my pappy (dad) commited suicide two years ago
Nicole: so sorry to hear that
Nicole: I'm sure it was devastating
Guy: yeah so fucked up
Nicole: hang in there
Guy: yes ma'am, I am huritn badly but not your issue
Nicole: I'll send some extra prayers your way
Guy: no need, just gonna drink a little more whiskey
Nicole: hope you are able to get a good nights sleep and start a new day tomorrow
Guy: thank u dear, top o the mornin when u rise
I did say some extra prayers for this man that night. And after re-reading this conversation, I pray that he is feeling better. So sad that an online dating site is the only place he felt he could turn, but I wasn’t quite ready to handle that one…
The “I wish I never gave you my phone number” Guys: I will admit that I am not “overly” cautious when it comes to online dating. I don’t mind giving out my phone number to a guy after speaking to him online. I do take other precautions – like meeting in public places, not giving out my address etc. I feel I am careful, but not scared – I refuse to live my life scared, I would miss out on too much stuff.
Well, one night I was chatting with a guy online, and seemed normal enough. He asked me for my number so that we could talk. I agreed, but I also let him know that I’m not a big “phone talker” – I suggested that he text me or make plans to meet up for coffee or something. After I gave him my phone number, I felt he became very pushy. He asked if I was on Facebook, and I didn’t want to lie, so I said yes. He asked for my Facebook name so that he could add me (which is just my real name), and I gave it to him. He then hit me up 2 seconds later and said he couldn’t find me, so he wanted my e-mail address to search for me. Again, I was starting to feel pushed, but I obliged again. 2 seconds later he asked if I got his request. Geeze buddy, give it a rest! I told him I wasn’t logged on and that I would check later – hoping he would get the hint to back off. Then the conversation continued like this:
Benny5314: I am going to log off for a bit but would you mind if I called you
nicole: I'm more of a texter
nicole: not a long convo on the phone gal (I already told him this earlier prior to giving him my number)
Benny5314: how about a short conversation
Benny5314: I don't have unlimited texting
Benny5314: I will get it on my new phone plan in November
nicole: okay
Benny5314: I promise not to bore you or be boring
Benny5314: ok talk to you in a minute
nicole: Well, I’m not avail to talk right now
nicole: so its not a good time to call
Benny5314: ok then how about later
nicole_311: you can give it a shot - I have pending plans, so may not answer
Benny5314:ok no problem
Benny5314:That is what voicemail is for
Benny5314:lol
Benny5314:bye
Not but 15 minutes later, my phone rings – I don’t answer, but it this guy calling me. What part of “now is not a good time” did he not understand?! Then about a half hour later, he signs back online and hits me up again, and by this point I had it!
Benny5314: Hey Nicole do you have definite plans for this evening
nicole_311: Hey, I'm gonna be honest. I'm feeling pushed by you right now and its giving be a bad feeling
Benny5314: no I am not trying to push you at all
Benny5314: I was just curious
nicole: I do have tentative plans with friends tonight
nicole: but I have already said that
Benny5314: ok no problem
Benny5314: I will just wait to hear from you then
Benny5314: I had opera tickets thats all
nicole: sorry, I'm not trying to be rude
Benny5314: I will see if I can find someone who would like to go
Benny5314: not at all. I totally understand
nicole: like I said this online dating thing is weird, but please respect my boundaries
Benny5314: Of course I do
Benny5314: I don't want to make you uncomfortable
Benny5314: If I did I am sorry
nicole: well honestly I am right now. Apology accepted, but lets just chill for a bit and maybe talk on here again another day
Benny5314: ok no problem
Benny5314: bye
nicole_311: have a good one
Benny5314: you too
Later that night, he posted a status on his Facebook about meeting a girl, how happy he was, and hoping that it works out. Now granted, he may not have been talking about me. Maybe he found some amazing girl to go to the Opera with him, but my gut has a funny feeling. He came on way to strong, and did not take my clues to back it off a little. And part of me being “careful” with online dating is following my gut…so thanks to my gut, he is no longer a Facebook friend, and I doubt I will speak to him in the future. And by the way, get a texting plan!
I have many more examples that I could continue on with, but I think you get the point. And if you are still asking yourself, “what is the point?”….it’s that ONLINE DATING IS EXHAUSTING! You have to wade through a lot of bad to get to any good. And yes, I know that dating in general is like this…gotta kiss a lot of frogs…but I would argue that online dating is even more difficult. The anonymity that the internet provides, and may even encourage, people to “go farther” than they would in person. People have no fear of consequences, so they say and do things that they may not do in person.
So, please accept my apology that I haven’t written about any wonderful dates, but I am trying. There have just been a lot of frogs lately…no one worthy of an actual date. I’m trying to psych myself up…get back on the saddle…and hopefully I will be on a new date very soon (I have an in-person prospect I met at a party with potential – hopefully I will be writing about him soon).
In the meantime, any advice you guys have on how I can get out of this rut would be much appreciated – maybe I should spruce up my profile? Any ideas outside of online dating that I could do?
One night late at work, I was burning the midnight oil and the TV was on in the background. One of those TLC “I shouldn’t have survived” specials was on and it was about a woman who had a skydiving accident and on top of that she was unaware that she was pregnant. She fractured her face, leg, and pelvis, and yet the baby survived. Crazy!
After I saw that special, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to skydive. Yes, I may be the only person to watch a skydiving accident on TV and actually still want to jump out of a plane. But in all seriousness, skydiving is one of those things that I have always wanted to do. It’s on “my list.” And I started to think about this whole dating thing, and the reason I embarked on this 50 dates journey. As I mentioned before, it’s not necessarily to find Mr. Right, but more to nudge me to get out there and do new things. Well, this is new. And its something I have wanted to do. So this is the perfect example of what I should be pushing myself to do with a date. And besides, I don’t want my readers to get bored reading about me going on “50 dinners” – these dates need some spice, just like my life does!
Once I decided I wanted to go Skydiving with a DATE, the first person I contacted was BX (this was before we had our last and final date). As you may have already read, he respectfully declined citing his extreme fear of heights on his “get-out-of-date-free” card. On to my next victim. I decided to return to trusty ole Match.com. On your profile you can put a “headline” – something to grab someone’s attention as they are browsing through the sea of profiles. So I changed my headline to “Who wants to go skydiving – seriously this Saturday (and the date)” I got several responses. One guy started his e-mail by admitting that he didn’t think we were a good match, but that he would be willing to go skydiving with me anyways. No thanks. Then there was one guy who told me that he was terrified of skydiving, but would seriously consider it just to go out on a date with me. Flattering will get you everywhere with me…but after reading his profile, turns out we weren’t really a match.
Finally one e-mail caught my eye from a guy I’ll call NT. I went to check out his profile and the first words were “I’m a normal, stable person.” Hmmm – sounds good to me. I like stable. He also goes on to say that most of his family and friends would agree that he is “a bit odd.” Well, who isn’t odd, I reason to myself and throw caution to the wind. So I e-mail him back and say that I would love for him to join me. By this point it is already Friday, so I e-mail him my AIM screen name and phone number so that we can correspond quickly to make plans for the next day. He contacts me via AIM, and we have a good conversation back and forth. He seemed witty and fun, so I started to really get excited about the impending date. Later that day I call the place we agreed on and got the bad news that they were booked…and didn’t have an appointment available until next week! Arg. So much for being spontaneous. That night I look up a couple more places and decide to call our second choice, Lake Elsinore, in the morning. They were booked on Saturday, but they had openings on Sunday morning at 9:30 and 11. Since the place was a good hour and a half away from me, and I’m not good with mornings, I took the 11. I shared the good news NT and he was excited too. It worked out well for him because this new place was actually closer to where he lived. Since he was on my, we decided it would be best for me us to meet at his house and go from there. With the plans solidified, I started to get excited. Since we were now going on Sunday morning, I was trying to figure out how to work church into my weekend schedule. I could either go Saturday night or Sunday night. I opted for Saturday night – I figured going to church BEFORE I jumped out of a plane might be better – an extra prayer never hurts.
So Sunday morning rolls along and since we had agreed for me to meet at his house at 9:30, my alarm rang at 7:30. Ugh. After a couple of snoozes (okay, until about 8am), I finally hopped in the shower and proceeded to get ready. I left my house at 8:45am, A little later than I had hoped, but I was on the road. It took me about 45 minutes to get to his house, so I pulled up right on time. I called him from downstairs and he was giving me instructions to park, but I told him I didn’t mind driving seeing how I was already in my car and ready. I sat outside his condo in my car and did a last minute mirror check, but before I knew it he was standing at the passenger door and busted me in mid-primp. Eeeks. I quickly shut the mirror and let him in. We hugged from inside the car and then started our journey. We made a quick pit stop at Starbucks for coffee – for him, not me – and then we were really on our way.
In case you were wondering, I would not recommend meeting someone for the first time and then sitting in a car with them for 45 minutes. Its probably gonna be awkward. But we managed to stumble our way through. Where are you from? TX. What do you do? Marking director for an Industrial Plumbing company (at least he is not an actor). Etc. Etc. We talked about skydiving – he had actually been once before a few years back in Texas. He told me about the experience and he was really excited to be going again.
We pull up to the Skydiving place early, and my excitement is really starting to bubble up. We head in and start to fill out al the paperwork, watch the “you could die doing this” video, and then the shocker – we have to weigh-in. What? Get on a scale on the first date? Jumping out of a plane sounded less scary than that. This was either some unusual form torture or a way for them to weed out the chickens. Well, I’m no chicken! And luckily for me, they have a little private area with the scale and my date stayed in the waiting room. Phew – dodged that bullet.
The final thing I had to decide was whether or not I wanted to pay extra for the photo and video package. I was torn, because well…I’m cheap. I texted my best friend Brooke and asked her what she thought – made sense to ask a photographer for advice :) She pretty much told me that if I didn’t get the photo package that she would beat me up. So I did what she said. Because that’s what friends do. Plus the thought of my faithful blog readers crying at night because I did not have photos or video to show them was just too much for me to bear. So I forked over the dough.
We were done with all this before 11, before our scheduled appointment time. They gave us name tags, a little slip of paper and told us to head over to the area where they prep you. We did as we were told and about 15 minutes later we had a little “class” with a couple of other people. They took us to a mock airplane door. They told us to kneel with one knee down, hold onto your harness, keep your neck back, and arch your back when you jump. They made each of us practice once with our instructor barely watching us. Was that all the instruction we would get? A 2 minute speech and one measly practice. I wanted more information. Oh well, the “instructor” was already gone. So if I wasn’t going to get more info, I might as well document it. I asked NT to take a picture of me at the practice site. He pretty much thought I was a dork, but did it anyways.
They told us to sit tight and wait for our names to be called in the waiting area – which was a very eclectic covered outdoor hangout with picnic tables.
It was packed and there were no tables open, so we found a spot nearby in the sun where we could watch the divers landing in the drop zone. There were a couple of big boulders that we plopped down on. This was our view.
We continued our small talk, but the conversation was stalling. Not only had we already had 45 minutes of conversation in the car, but now my mind was not fully focused on making conversation, it was focused on the fact that I was about to jump out of a plane. 30 minutes go by, and my excitement is turning to anxiousness. I just want my name to be called already! As he sits quietly, I’m pretty much bouncing off the walls – up and down from the rock, pacing, and fidgeting. I try to kill some time by taking photos. Smile NT:
I’m being goofy and I am a ball of energy at the moment, so I tell him to take a picture of me practicing my skydive. He is less than enthused, but obliges:
He doesn’t laugh. He either doesn’t find me funny or is nervous himself. I continually ask him how he is feeling – you nervous? You excited? Not really. He is just even keel, but he comments that he thinks my anxiousness is funny.
Another 30 minutes go by…so now an hour since our “lesson.” To say that I was restless might be the biggest understatement of the year. I’m continuing the small talk, but it is definitely a struggle.
Methodically about every 15 minutes they call for a group of skydivers and load up a plane. Every time they would call names out, I would freeze in my tracks, hoping it would be my name. But nothing. 2 planes are rotating, and skydivers just keep falling out of the sky.
I want to be that person in the parachute. When will they call my name???? Another 30 minutes go by. Now we have been waiting for an hour and a half.
I’m now starting to get really hungry and thirsty, but I’m afraid to partake in either. I don’t want to throw-up or have to pee, and we never know when they may call our names. For a person that likes to be in control of things, this place is horrible. Barely any instruction, no information, no timeline…we were definitely on a need to know basis, and that place felt they didn’t need to tell us anything!
Another 30 minutes. 2 hours have now passed since we started waiting.
“Nicole and NT”
Our names are FINALLY called. I jumped up so fast and I think I ran to the lady who called our names. They take us in a room to get suited up. At last I felt like we were making some progress! After we are all geared up, I ask NT to take another picture.
“You do know that you are getting the video and photo package, right?” he asks after he takes my photo. “Of course…but I’m excited” I replied.
After we were suited up – my instructor/tandem partner came over and introduced himself to me. He asked if I wanted to pull the rip cord, and of course I said yes. So he got me an altimeter to where on my wrist so I could monitor with him how high we were. I also tell him that I’m adventurous and he could do whatever “tricks” he wanted to (little did I know that I would soon regret my bravery). My videographer came over and introduced himself. He said we would shoot a little into to the video (I knew it would be cheesy, and boy did I deliver). My date was standing about 100 feet away from me during the video intro. After I was done, I walked back to meet him, and then it happened. We were standing there awkwardly and he said “I just have to do this in case we don’t make it down” and he leaned in and kissed me. It was very awkward – the line, the kiss, the eternity of silence afterwards. It must have been about 15 seconds after the kiss that I finally gave him an awkward smile back, but I didn’t really no what to say. It felt like it should have been a sweet, romantic moment, but it just wasn’t. I don’t know exactly why – I really wanted it to be, but it wasn’t.
After the kiss, our instructors told us it was time to go. Things moved pretty quickly after that. My instructor and I did one more “practice” out of a mock airplane door – but really I think it was just for the camera video taping us (more cheesiness). The plane pulled up and we all piled in. It was tight. There were 4 tandem jumpers (so 4 instructors with each), and then 4 solo skydivers. They told us we would get up to about 12,500 feet and then they would open the door. I was looking out the window and getting really excited. Butterflies were in my stomach. It was finally happening! I felt like we were getting really high, so I look down at my altimeter to see how high up we were.
It read at 2. Meaning we were only 2,000 feet up in the air.
What?! I figured we were nearly there, but we still had 10 THOUSAND more feet to go. It was at this point I realized that 12,500 feet was really freaking high, and that this was probably the stupidest idea that I have ever had to date. What was I doing? As I started to panic, I would attempt to mentally calm myself down, but then would just start to panic again. My rational brain took over and was beating up the impulsive side of my brain. “You are gonna get us killed” it screamed! Before I knew it, my instructor started hooking me up to him. He double and triple checked the connections, and then I told him to do it again. He was the one with the parachute, not me, so those connections to him where all I had. The door started to open, and I looked down at the earth that was miles away from me. The second the door was fully up, the solo skydivers jumped out of the plane one after another – I felt like I was in the middle of a bombing they were going so quick. Then my date NT stepped up, and he and his instructor did a back flip out of the plane. My instructor got me in position at the door. I couldn’t look down…I thought I was going to be sick…I couldn’t even think. And then the next thing I knew he said 1, 2, 3, and we jumped out of the plane. I started screaming instinctively and I had my eyes closed. The instructor taps my hands several times to let me know that I can let go of my harness and extend my arms, but I was paralyzed in fear. He taps them a few more times, and then finally I tell myself – open your eyes – enjoy this. Its only gonna last for 60 seconds. So I look around and see the camera guy in front of me. Oh My Gosh – I’m skydiving! I look down at the ground – we are freaking HIGH! The wind is blowing at my face sooo fast (probably because we are falling at 120 mph towards the ground). About 30 seconds into it, I think I realized that I hadn’t breathed since I jumped. I take a quick gasp of air in. Oh My Gosh – I’m skydiving! My instructor leads us in a quick spin – this must be the “tricks” I asked for. At that moment, I think that I may actually puke. But then I realize I didn’t ask what would happen if I puked. Would it spray back on my face? Oh well, guess it doesn’t matter now, because we have now officially left my stomach back a few hundred feet up – guess I can’t throw up without that. Oh My Gosh – I’m skydiving! When I first heard that the freefall would be about 60 seconds, that sound so short – just 1 minute? But when I was up there it felt like an eternity. My thoughts were coming in and out of my head so fast that I think I could have solved all of our world’s problems in that short skydive.
Next thing I know, my instructor motions for me that it is time to pull the cord. He guides my hand back and we let it rip. I’m yanked back up into the sky so fast and my legs fly up like a rag doll. The harness is so tight and uncomfortable now, but I look up at the parachute and it is open. Phew. I think we are good. My instructor tells me that he is going to loosen the connections so that it is a more comfortable ride down. He starts to loosen the ones by my thighs and I feel my body fall away from his.
WOOOAAAA WOOOAAA!! I scream. Don’t loosen it too much! These connections are all I got! He laughs and tells me its fine. We have about 5 minutes to coast down now. My instructor teaches me how to turn right, left and brake – he lets me navigate a bit. Then he takes the reigns back and does some tricks – some pretty crazy spins. I think I’m going to vomit again. Oh wait, I still never retrieved my stomach from before – I think I left it at 10,00 feet – guess I’m okay.
As we are approaching the ground, he tells me to lift my legs up for the landing. He brings us in and lands perfectly sanding up (I was happy to no have to do the sit-down landing). He unhooks me and seriously I’m in shock. Did I really just skydive? Am I really on the ground? Is this camera guy talking to me?
I was seriously shaking and had some much adrenaline pumping. NT had landed first and so I ran up to him and gave him a hug. We were laughing like school children – we just jumped out of a plane! How crazy!
So I’m sure you are all on the edge of your seats to see this video now. But I have some warnings. First of all – I’m a dork. No seriously, it’s SO bad that I almost did NOT post it, but I knew you all would never forgive me if I didn’t share it. The beginning of the video is the worst. But in my defense, I had now been on a blind date for 3 ½ hours, and I had been waiting patiently with nothing to do for 2 hours. I was going a little stir crazy and it showed. So please, go easy on me. Without further ado, here is the dorkiest skydiving video you will ever see:
Okay, stop laughing.
No seriously, stop laughing.
Are you still here? Please don’t run away. I hope you come back to this blog again. But if I never see you again…I understand.
So after my dorky jump, NT and I are hopped up on adrenaline. We even take this dorky picture.
Oh My Gosh – we just jumped out of a plane!
So we finish up our business – get our free t-shirt, I get my disk of photos, and we get our coupon to come back again. We load back up into my car and we start the drive back to his place. This is where the date started to really deflate. By this time we had already been with each other for 5 hours, we jumped out of a plane together, and quite frankly I was out of things to talk about on a first date. I still continue to try and ask some conversation starter questions, but honestly we had several long silent lulls – only broken up with me playfully saying “Man, what can you say after you have jumped out of a plane?!” He agreed – there was nothing to say.
As we are getting closer to his neck of the woods he asks me if I want to get a quick bite to eat and a beer. I hesitated. I was already out of conversation topics, but on the other hand, I was starved – I had not eaten ALL day (because of the whole skydiving ordeal). I was either going to drop him off and get fast food, or agree and get a bite to eat with him. I caved and said yes. The beer sounded good. I needed to take the edge off of this adrenaline! So we went to a bar near his house and ordered chili cheeseburgers and beers. It was extremely yummy. We were both very quiet during the lunch and used “watching the Olympics” as an excuse for our silence. Did I really care about the Biathlon or was I happy to just have an activity to hang out hats on?
After our quick meal and beer, we called it a day. I took him back to his condo and dropped him off outside. I gave him a hug and he then turned to get out of the car. However before he got out, he stopped in his tracks, turned back towards me, mumbled something, and I as I was trying to decipher what he said, he leaned in and pop kissed me again (do people still say pop kiss of is that reserved for middle school?). I later came to the conclusion that he said “I’m gonna take a leap here.” “Leap” must equal kiss.
Again, it was sweet. And should have been more romantic than it was, but it just….wasn’t.
I can’t explain it except that there were just no sparks. Even with sharing an experience as intense as skydiving with him, I didn’t feel connected to him. In hindsight, it might have been a better date if we were able to shorten the amount of downtime that we had to spend together. But then I think to myself – If this was the right person for me, we would have had plenty to talk about (maybe that is the idealist in me again).
So to sum it all up.
Skydiving was CRAZY – I’m so glad I did it. And although I may not become a professional skydiver, I would do it again. Even though watching that video makes me have butterflies all over again.
NT was sweet – a little quiet, a little on the dorky side (which is okay), but just no connection for me. After I got home, he hit me up on AIM and asked if the photos were any good – I sent him the photo of us in the plane and he appreciated it. We haven’t talked since, but the next time I see him online, maybe I will send him the link to the video – after all, I’m sure he would love to see himself do a back flip, and get the chance to laugh at me being a dork.
To see all the photos from the day, click this link
For all of you following the BX dates, and to answer all your advice and questions, here is an UPDATE...
First, the subject of the BOOK: Since many of you asked about the book he bought on our last date, I have to come clean and admit....I don't exactly remember what he got. Once in the bookstore, we actually went our separate ways (yes, it was awkward). He bought a book that was 2nd in a series in which he had already read the first. It was a series about an ex-CIA agent, but I did not recognize the name of the book or author, and really can not remember the details now. Sorry!
As far as everyone's advice goes, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for giving me insight and thanks for even caring about this crazy journey I'm on :)
I asked the question if 4 dates was enough for BX, and my very wise friends and family quickly answered back that it isn't about a certain number. Many astute readers also pointed out that they read my tone, or read between the lines, and they felt that there just wasn't a connection. You guys are very intuitive.
I thought long and hard about BX and realized it is the end of the road for us. No, it wasn't that it was 4 dates. And no, it wasn't one specific thing. But it was just a culmination of little things, and a feeling in my gut that it wasn't right.
Yes, I wanted him to walk me to the door.
And yes, I wish he hadn't left me at the party.
And yes, I wish he would have waited to have dinner with me instead of eating on his own.
And yes, I wish he would of been open to actually discussing which movie to watch.
And yes, I wish that once, just once, he would have turned to me and asked me a genuine question about myself - "What do YOU want to do?" "How was YOUR day?" "Tell me what YOU would like to eat."
I hope that doesn't sound selfish on my part. But the more I evaluated the dates with BX, the more I realized how one-sided they felt. It was always about what he needed, he wanted, or he felt like doing.
In relationships, I think that I tend to be very agreeable - sometimes to a fault. I have to make sure not to lose myself or my identity in my effort to put my best foot forward. Its okay for me to like red wine, or want to see Up In The Air, or want to go skydiving. And no, my partner doesn't always have to agree or enjoy everything I do, but I hope that he would want to comprise sometimes and try to experience the things that I suggest.
So on to the next one. And speaking of skydiving, that date is up next :)
Remember BX…the actor/business guy…the wine date guy…the 80’s party guy…the left me at the party to go get ice guy…yeah, that guy.
The week after the 80’s party, BX texted me to see if I could do drinks the next weekend. I couldn’t due to prior plans, so a couple of days later on a Tuesday afternoon, he called me to see if I wanted to get together after work for dinner. I let him know that I would get off sometime around 7:30 or 8, so we could meet up after that. At 5:30 he sent me a picture of food he was cooking – hmmm. Not really close to 7:30 or 8, but okay, maybe it was a meal that took a long time to cook. I confirmed with him around 7 that I was still good to meet him around 8, and then when I called him as I was leaving the office he told me that he had already eaten. Guess that’s why I got the picture at 5:30. He suggested we meet at Dragon Street restaurant so that I could have a bite to eat. I agreed and headed that way.
It was a small place in our neighborhood. As I walked in he was standing near a booth on his cell phone. I waved and he smiled back. Since he was on the phone, I took a seat in the booth, and then he sat down and continued his call. He was talking to a friend about some hack from their hometown who had been on the news for another movie production/investment gone bad. I listened for a while, and then finally he said “well, I better go, my date is here.” Gee thanks. He got of then phone and then recounted the whole drama for me.
During this time I ordered a beer, cream cheese wonton appetizers and a small soup. BX already had ordered a beer before I had gotten there and since he ate earlier, it was just me ordering. When the food came, BX caved and had some cream cheese wontons with me – they were pretty yummy. After some conversation and quick food, we asked for the bill. I insisted on paying since all he had was a beer, and I was the one eating. He conceded and simply thanked me. (wow, no bill drama…now that was the response I was looking for).
He then asked if I wanted to go to the bar next door, Skinny’s Lounge, for one more drink. I agreed and we walked across the street. On the way there he was telling me how cool this place was, how he goes there all the time, and how they have an 80’s night where a cover band plays. We walk in and the bar is very cool looking – candle-lit, rock walls, modern wood grain bar, simple black bar stools and a dance floor.
And the bar looked just like the pictures above because NO ONE was in there…besides the bartender who was perched near the cash register. BX “knew” the bartender and introduced me. I get the feeling that BX “knows” a lot of people – he’s a very social guy, smooth talker. He asks about the 80’s band, and the bartender says they haven’t played there in over a year – guess BX doesn’t go there as often as he says. BX laments that this band is no longer playing, and so I tell him about an 80’s band that plays every weekend in Burbank. He is now excited.
Since the bartender is the only guy there, the 3 of us chitchat about music and have a few drinks. The bartender was from TN and we start discussing a lot of different topics. I notice that I’m more interested in what he is saying. Oh no, are you flirting with the bartender while you are on a date right now??!! Not classy Nicole!
I try to focus back on BX. He tells me that he has a “friend’s” band is playing this weekend and I should come out. I tell him that I can’t because I’m going home to TN. After a while, we decide to wrap it up. We share a hug outside of the bar, and go our separate ways.
------------BX's 4th date---------
The next day I realized that I wasn’t actually going to TN that weekend, it was the next weekend. I guess it was wishful thinking on my part. So I decided to text BX that in case he wanted to do something. He responded that he did want to get together and suggested Friday. About this time I started to get the bug that I wanted to go skydiving, so I figured I would ask BX – why not, right?
He didn’t respond to my text, but instead called me.
“Skydiving?” he asked. “Yeah, its always something I wanted to do, so I just I have to take the plunge…literally.” In the nicest way, BX pretty much told me “no way, Jose.” He said he was afraid of heights, and pretty much begged me to do anything else with him, but he just couldn’t go skydiving with me. “Awww come on!” I protested but to no avail. Back to the drawing board on the skydiving mission.
So Friday rolls around, and he texts me out of the blue...”Werewolf!” I rack my brain – what could he be talking about? Oh, It dawns on me that it must his friend’s band he had mentioned. So I respond “Is that the name of the band?” He texts me back “Lol. The new movie” “Ohhh” I respond embarrassed. He teases me more by texting “I knew you were quick on the uptake.” So I text him back “Last time I checked, I wasn’t a mindreader ☺”
What a lame response – what am I a 10 year old? Gah!
He calls me few hours later and says he wants to see a movie in Burbank and he also wants to go to a bookstore. I say okay, and we make arrangements for him to pick me up around nine. I get home from work around 8 and decide to look up some movie options. It is then I finally make the “Werewolf” connection – he was talking about “The Wolfman” – who’s the douche that is slow on the uptake now! Ha!
I watch several trailers, including Wolfman, and I really wasn’t that intrigued in much. I kind of wanted to see “Up in the Air” though. I quickly spruce up and immediately notice a big zit on the left side of my chin. Fabulous. I thought dating with acne stopped after high school? Where are my privileges for waiting until I was older to date?! Arg! And yes, I of course spend the date trying to make sure to stay on his left side so he doesn’t have to stare at the red growth on my face – gah! He arrives at 9 to pick me and my zit up.
In the car we discuss the plan for once we get to Burbank and specifically the movie choice. I admit to him that I’m not that really in the mood for “The Wolfman” that night and he asks what else was there to see. I said not much but that I had been wanting to see “Up in the Air.” He pretty much shuts that down saying that he doesn’t like to see dramas in the theatre, he saves those for DVD rentals. Great, we already can’t agree on a movie. He then suggests that maybe we blow off the movie and just get a drink. Sure, I agree and suggest that there is Burbank Bar and Grill that we could go to. “In fact” I say “Its Friday, right? They have the 80’s cover band playing tonight.” About as soon as the words fell out of mouth, I regretted them. He of course jumped all over that and was like “we have to go! Now I’m super excited!” It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see them, I just had mentally prepared myself for a quiet movie night, and I knew the bar would be busy and that this would not be a low-key night at all now.
So we park in Burbank, and BX mentions again that he wants to go to a bookstore before the bar. “Why the bookstore” I finally ask. “Because I need a new book” he says, as if that was a silly question. He continues to tell me that he has an acting gig on Sunday so he needs a book for his down time. Oh yes, the acting thing. Well, at least he can read – that is a big plus. After BX picks out a book from the bookstore, we head to Burbank Bar and Grill. Busy was an understatement for this bar on that Friday night – it was PACKED – barely standing room, and the band wasn’t due on for another 30-45 minutes. We post up near the bar, and BX orders us some drinks. After that BX turns on his smooth talking and starts trying to get us seats at the bar – he tells the patrons sitting there that when they are ready to leave, he will buy their last round if they give us their seats. I was impressed with his ingenuity and forwardness – however I’m starting to wrestle with the fact that he is borderline used car salesman cheesy for me. We approach the hostess about getting a table, but they are of course packed (and really unorganized too) – she says she will work on getting us one. After about 30 minutes of standing around, the band is starting to warm-up. I notice that when people are getting up from tables, other people are just nabbing them – so what is the hostess for? I go in and check with her again, and she is still working on it. Finally a little while later, I see a table getting up and we are able to slyly nab it. In an attempt to “do the right thing” I still go up to the hostess and let her know about this table and make sure we can take it – she agrees since we have been waiting so long. Phew. Once we sit, we ordered some appetizers and more drinks. I was happy to get out of the crowd and have a place to sit.
*pic of the lead singer and a packed crowd at BBG - photo from their website since they play there every weekend.
The band went on, and they were really good and entertaining, but I still find myself checking the time and feeling ready to go. Is it just that I’m not in the mood for a wild night or is it BX? A little after midnight we call it a night. And BX drives me back home. We say hug goodbye in the car, and I walk up to my door.
So here I am, and I feel like I’m at a crossroads with BX. 4 dates. Is that enough to know if you like someone? My mom tells me that sometimes I don’t give people enough chances, and my friends often worry that I have a fairytale in my head of instant romance. So I am purposely going on multiple dates with guys even if there aren’t fireworks on the first date – I’m giving the chance for those fireworks to be lit. But here I am at the end of date 4 with BX, and nothing. I don’t have the urge to be anything but friends.
I don’t get butterflies when he texts me, or before I’m about to see him.
I don’t feel the urge to grab his hand when we were walking side by side.
I don’t have a secret hope that he will kiss me at the end of the night.
Nothing
Does this mean I don’t like him for more than just a friend? Did I give it a fair enough shot and is it time to move on? I feel like its just not happening – am I wasting my time if I go on more dates with him?
You may recall A.S. – the one with the awkward road goodbye, and the one that then rescinded the whole conversation via text the next day…yeah, that guy. Friday rolled around, and he texted me again, saying that now his Friday had opened back up and wanted to know if we could meet up. Make up your mind buddy. But alas I was not available on Friday anymore, so I told him we’d have to pick another day. We texted several more times at the beginning of the following week, and finally landed on picking Wednesday to get together. He asked me if I had seen the movie “An Education” or if I cared to. I responded that I hadn’t seen it, but was open to go see that movie. He then texted me back the following:
“Very Cool! You mind if it’s a screener? That means DVD at one of our establishments. I’m good to host or visit if its comfortable with you.”
Decision time. It’s only a second date and he is trying to get me to go to his apartment or come to mine. My gut tells me this is weird and too early to suggest this. However he did ask in a non-threatening way…although what guy with inappropriate intentions would ask in a threatening way? I paused for a few moments before responding, internally debating myself. I go against my better judgment and tell him that it is fine. When he asks which place I would prefer, I immediately say his place. I felt I could be more in control of that situation – I could leave when I wanted to if it got uncomfortable, and that way he wouldn’t know where I lived. All pluses.
He asked if I wanted to do dinner, drinks, or both before or after the movie. Gosh, a lot of decisions to be made. Being agreeable, I said dinner would be fine, and that turned out to be the best decision I made.
Wednesday rolled around and he suggested a Thai place that was close to us both. As I was getting ready to leave work, I texted him that I was on my way. Shortly after I arrived to the restaurant, Original Thai, and realized that I had beaten him there. I grabbed a booth/table that was against the wall and facing the door so I could easily see him come in.
As I waited I ordered a beer and thumbed through the menu. About 5 minutes later he walked through the door. I got up from my seat to give him a hug. “Oh…okay” he said as he awkwardly hugged me back. I guess he’s not a big hugger. He chose the seat next to me on the booth instead of sitting across from me. I liked that.
The waitress came up and asked what he would like to drink and he ordered a hot tea. Hot tea? Red Flag. Not that I have anything against tea, but it just seemed like an odd choice. And as you may remember on the last date even though he was the one that suggested meeting at the bar, he didn’t drink because he had “auditions” the next day. And now on date #2, he sees that I’m drinking a beer and yet he orders a hot tea? Does he not drink? Not that I’m looking for someone who has to drink to have a good time, but I’ll be the first to admit that I’m an advocate of having a cocktail on a date – it takes the edge off from the awkwardness. I’m not suggesting that we get hammered or anything, but let’s just say I think he could have used a cocktail.
Moving on, time to make our entrée choices. I ordered a soup and a noodle dish – Pad See Ew. He ordered a soup and some chicken and vegetable main dish. As we waited for our food, I would rate the conversation to be a 4 out of 10. It was dragging a bit and I was struggling to keep it going. I asked him about his week, and if he had anything interesting going on. He started to talk about a digital short that he was working on for his YouTube channel – some sort of a political satire short. I was very supportive, asking him questions, and even told him I would love to see it when it was done. “Oh, I don’t know – it’s not that good. I messed up on the shoot and the first part of the audio is bad.” Um, okay. He was clearly insure about it. And at the risk of sounding mean – I really didn’t care about seeing the video one way or another – I was just trying to be supportive, interested, and polite. So if he didn’t want to share with me, that’s fine.
The food comes, we struggle through some more conversation, and I find myself making excuses for the lulls. “Sorry I’m more quiet, I’m just so tired” I tried to justify to him. I planted the seed that I may not be able to watch a movie afterwards - depending on the time. Finally we get to a point where we are done with our meals. The waitress asks if we need boxes and we both say yes. I then found myself chuckling inside thinking of the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the quote about taking home leftovers:
“Random Guy: A girl will never sleep with you if she calls you "cuddly" or "dependable", if she pops a zit in front of you, if her name is Amber or Christine, if she takes a dump in your bathroom, or if she takes leftovers on dates one, two, or three. I know it's not scientific, but I'm just saying, you were warned.”
Haha. I guess this is not looking good for A.S.
After our food was boxed, the waitress comes back to the table with the bill and fortune cooks. And this is where it all went downhill.
First let me share my philosophy on “who pays” for dates. I don’t think the burden should have to solely fall on the man to pay for everything, so I always offer to a least pay half (or “go dutch” if you will). If a guy prefers to pay, of course that is fine with me. If a guy allows me to pay some or all, I’m good with that too. So when the bill was dropped off, I did the natural “grab your wallet” sign that you do to indicate that I was offering. This seems like a pretty universal signal to me – I do it at business lunches, friend dinners, and dates – grabbing your wallet says “hey, I’m willing to take care of the bill, or at least some portion.” So after grabbing my wallet, he didn’t immediately say anything. He put down his card. So then I deliberately and slowly take out my card, making sure he saw me pulling out my card…pause, eye contact made…still he said nothing. Okay, I took this lack of comment as he was good with me putting my card down too, and just didn’t want to make a big deal about it. Dutch…sounds good…fine with me. After I set my card down, we start to open of fortune cookies, but A.S. pauses and then gives me a very weird look. He finally speaks:
“Uh, this is uncomfortable.”
Confused, I look around trying to figure out what he is talking about. I notice that he is now staring at the bill with our two cards on it. So I respond.
“Oh.” relived that it wasn’t something bigger, I continued “I just wanted to offer to pay some, but if you are not comfortable with that, it’s fine. Whatever you prefer is good with me.”
He is now getting more visibly uncomfortable by the minute. He rubs his head and then very flustered he puts his hand up by his face.
*Not A.S., just an example
With his hands still near his face, he slightly moves them back and forth as he begins to speak.
“I’m just not good in these situations.” He frustratingly blurts out.
I’m thinking situation? What situation? The bill?
“Well” I responded, “It’s really no big deal to me either way, whatever makes you comfortable. Dating is a two-way street, so I just wanted to offer, not make you uncomfortable.”
He awkwardly continues to dodge looking at me, and just appears super distressed, shifting in his seat.
The waitress comes back, looks at the bill and asks if it is ready. I pause for a moment to see what he would say, waiting for him to make a decision that would hopefully make him more comfortable. But he seemed to remain in his personal spiral not saying a word, so I spoke up and just told the waitress to put half on each card.
I open up my fortune and read the words “Accept the next proposition you hear.” I decide not to share this with him – not sure what he might say.
The waitress comes back with the credit card receipts, and A.S. said, “at least let me leave the tip.” Of course I agreed.
Now I want to be clear about how this “situation” made me feel. I didn’t care either way who paid, whether we split it, or whatever. Again, I think it is the polite thing to do to at least offer, and that is what I thought I was doing. What I didn’t like was how he reacted. After I put my card down on the bill he could have said a million other things that would have been okay… - he could have just simply said “thanks” and let us split it. - he could of insisted to pay (if that is how he felt) - he could have said nothing if he was that uncomfortable and just let the waitress take it. He basically could have done anything except react in the way he did. He freaked out. He made the “situation” a big deal, when it didn’t have to be a big deal.
And again, it wasn’t about the bill or who paid, but it did throw up a huge red flag for me. If this guy panicked over who paid for dinner – how would he be in a real “situation”? What if later on down the line, we were hit with a real crisis, how would he respond?
Basically what this “situation” told me is that I don’t want this guy in my foxhole.
So we leave the restaurant, and I was glad I planted the seed earlier about being too tired for the movie, because I took this opportunity to politely reschedule. I offered to take him home since he had walked, and he was about a mile a way. Once we pulled up to his house, we hugged in the car, and he kissed me on the cheek. I told him “see you again soon” and just left it at that.
It’s probably pretty clear to you all that I was thinking I didn’t really want another date with this guy. But I guess the feeling was mutual, because neither of us have texted each other since.
After the wine date with BX, the next week he texted me and asked me if I had plans on Friday or Saturday. I told him that I was available on Saturday and he texted me back “do you have 80’s clothes?” Hmmm – intriguing. My response was important. If I jumped back and said yes too quickly, would he think I was weird for having 80’s clothes so readily available? If I said no, would he not let me in on something cool that was happening? So I settled on the response “I’m sure I could find something” – how very elusive of me, right? He shot back a text to me saying “then prepare for an 80’s party!” With further back and forth, I learned that it was an 80’s themed house party celebrating his friend’s birthday. I guess I could be down for that, I was thinking to myself – I mean who am I to turn down a good “theme” party?
So Saturday rolled around, and I was still recovering from my Friday night thanks to Cat’s Black, White, and Bling Bash – see, I told you I can’t turn down a theme party. On my way home from the South Bay I start to evaluate what I was actually going to wear to this thing. Do I go all out? I mean this is only a second date and I could still very easily scare this guy off. I didn’t know him or his friends at all – so how much do they actually “get into” a theme? The other factor weighing in on decision is that I still wanted to look somewhat like myself since this was a date – i.e. no wigs were in my future. So with all those things in mind, I decided I would do a jean skirt (something I owned), hot pink fishnets (something I needed to buy), and then some kind of top. I stopped off at a mall on my way home and picked up some pink fishnets and also scored an awesome white belt with pink studs – this outfit was really coming together. I regret to inform you loyal readers that I did not take any photos of the finished outfit…I apologize – I will be more diligent about these pertinent blog materials in the future. However, here is a glimpse at what the outfit looked like…
Pink Fishnets + jean skirt + off the shoulder top + white and pink studded belt = 80’s magic.
+ + +
BX called me and confirmed he would pick me up at 8. He showed up right on time, and I pranced down nervously in my 80’s get-up. He was parked outside of my apartment sitting in his jeep-like suv, and he had the passenger side window rolled down. “Woooowwwww” he said from the car with a grin. I did a twirl and admitted that I clearly can get into themes. As I got in the car, I evaluated his outfit. He had ripped jeans and a fraternity shirt – he claimed to be a fraternity guy from the 80’s. Not the most ingenious outfit I had ever seen, but hey, mine wasn’t top of the line either.
So we take the short 5-minute drive to his friend’s place. We parked and were walking up to the apartment when BX ran into his friend and date. He hollered out his last name as we crossed the street. I thought “does he call everyone by their last names or is this his 80’s “fraternity” persona that he is embracing?” He introduced me to his friend, tells me that they have worked together, and then we all headed in.
We walked inside about 10 minutes after 8pm, and there were 4 girls in awesome 80’s outfits, feverishly still setting up. We were the first ones there…great. I was definitely out of my comfort zone. Not only was I on a second date, and not only was I at a party where I knew NO-ONE, but now I was the “uncomfortable first guest.” Now if you are going to a close friend’s or family member’s party, being the first guest is not that weird, but being at a party where you don’t really know the people and you are first….well, that is just uncomfortable. And from the other perspective, as I have hosted several events, it sucks when people start arriving, but you are still behind on the set-up and are just not ready for people to be there.
BX started pointing out girls and telling me their names, and labeling one girl as his “BFF.” All night he called her “BFF,” not her actual name – is that strange? Anyways, after the quick roll call, BX opened the bottle of wine he brought – yes, a bottle of white wine – and poured us two glasses. Right after we got our drinks, the main hostess asked BX “could we convince you to run to the store and grab some ice?” BX of course agreed, and I expected him to turn to me and say “let’s go,” but instead he handed me his drink and said, “I’ll be right back.” WHAT???!!! I wanted to respond, “Oh no, I coming with you!” but before my mouth could even open, he was already out the door. AGGGHHHH! Now not only am I the weird girl at the party that nobody knows, but I’ve been ditched by my date and I’m all alone! And in pink fishnets! *Sigh*
I wander around the apartment looking at all the décor they put up. They did a really cute job decorating – set out a bunch of 80’s movies, had a table of retro candy, and hung a poster with all the 80’s cartoons. Wait? What are you doing? You are now the creepy girl that is not talking to anyone, walking around looking at decorations trying to look busy. Deep breath, get it together, and go talk to someone like a normal human being!
I spot out the “last name guy” and his date – at least I had been introduced to him, so I head his way. I start making conversation asking him about the work he and BX had done together. He told me that they had worked together in North Carolina, and now they are technically competitors out here in LA. I asked questions and tried to stay very engaged in the conversation. Then it happened. He asked THE question.
“So how do you know BX?”
Oh shoot! We hadn’t talked about this. Did his friends know he was on Match.com? Was I supposed to lie? What was the response he wanted me to say? We really should have discussed and had a plan going into this date. Then I cleverly dodged it by replying “Well, we are on our second date…how about that?”
Oh man, I am so smart…a genius really. What a save! The award for cleverness of the night goes to… But in the middle of me congratulating myself, I’m stopped in my tracks by another question.
“So where did you guys meet?”
DARN IT! Check mate. Guess I have to give back that cleverness award. I could feel myself get visibly nervous. A lot of people are shy about the whole “online dating” thing , but I was cornered – what do I say??! “Last name guy” must have seen me sweating, and I paused for at least a good 15 seconds, although it felt like an eternity.
I shrugged, and blurted out “Match.com.”
Oh well, I’m a horrible liar – it’s a virtue really, right? And that’s what BX gets for leaving me to get ice anyways. Don’t leave an anxious date in a room full of inquiring minds – she is bound to go rouge.
So after about a billion years, BX returns with two bags of ice…”Finally” I thought!
I never told him about the Spanish Inquiry I received from the “last name guy.” I had already been embarrassed enough; I was ready to just have a good time. Finally the food was ready and the drinks started flowing – that always makes a party more enjoyable. And after a while I was able to settle down, find my grove, and have an enjoyable time. We stayed for several hours – conversing, hanging out, etc. BX and I had some cute flirtatious moments – him putting his hand on the small of my back, catching each other’s eyes from across the room and smiling, and all that cheesy stuff.
Finally around midnight he looked at me and said that he was ready to go when I was…and I definitely was. So we took off and he drove me home. He pulled up outside of my apartment, we hugged goodbye in the car and I got out of the car. No kiss…no awkward goodbye…all good.
But I do have a question for you all. Is it old fashion for a guy to walk a girl to the door? I mean its not like he was dropping me off a mile away from my apartment, but I kind of wished he had walked me up my steps and to my door. Maybe it would have been an awkward goodbye, but I like the chivalry. Thoughts?
