Date #4 – A.S.’ second date – “The Situation”

You may recall A.S. – the one with the awkward road goodbye, and the one that then rescinded the whole conversation via text the next day…yeah, that guy. Friday rolled around, and he texted me again, saying that now his Friday had opened back up and wanted to know if we could meet up. Make up your mind buddy. But alas I was not available on Friday anymore, so I told him we’d have to pick another day. We texted several more times at the beginning of the following week, and finally landed on picking Wednesday to get together. He asked me if I had seen the movie “An Education” or if I cared to. I responded that I hadn’t seen it, but was open to go see that movie. He then texted me back the following:

“Very Cool! You mind if it’s a screener? That means DVD at one of our establishments. I’m good to host or visit if its comfortable with you.”

Decision time. It’s only a second date and he is trying to get me to go to his apartment or come to mine. My gut tells me this is weird and too early to suggest this. However he did ask in a non-threatening way…although what guy with inappropriate intentions would ask in a threatening way? I paused for a few moments before responding, internally debating myself. I go against my better judgment and tell him that it is fine. When he asks which place I would prefer, I immediately say his place. I felt I could be more in control of that situation – I could leave when I wanted to if it got uncomfortable, and that way he wouldn’t know where I lived. All pluses.

He asked if I wanted to do dinner, drinks, or both before or after the movie. Gosh, a lot of decisions to be made. Being agreeable, I said dinner would be fine, and that turned out to be the best decision I made.

Wednesday rolled around and he suggested a Thai place that was close to us both. As I was getting ready to leave work, I texted him that I was on my way. Shortly after I arrived to the restaurant, Original Thai, and realized that I had beaten him there. I grabbed a booth/table that was against the wall and facing the door so I could easily see him come in.



As I waited I ordered a beer and thumbed through the menu. About 5 minutes later he walked through the door. I got up from my seat to give him a hug. “Oh…okay” he said as he awkwardly hugged me back. I guess he’s not a big hugger. He chose the seat next to me on the booth instead of sitting across from me. I liked that.

The waitress came up and asked what he would like to drink and he ordered a hot tea. Hot tea? Red Flag. Not that I have anything against tea, but it just seemed like an odd choice. And as you may remember on the last date even though he was the one that suggested meeting at the bar, he didn’t drink because he had “auditions” the next day. And now on date #2, he sees that I’m drinking a beer and yet he orders a hot tea? Does he not drink? Not that I’m looking for someone who has to drink to have a good time, but I’ll be the first to admit that I’m an advocate of having a cocktail on a date – it takes the edge off from the awkwardness. I’m not suggesting that we get hammered or anything, but let’s just say I think he could have used a cocktail.

Moving on, time to make our entrée choices. I ordered a soup and a noodle dish – Pad See Ew. He ordered a soup and some chicken and vegetable main dish. As we waited for our food, I would rate the conversation to be a 4 out of 10. It was dragging a bit and I was struggling to keep it going. I asked him about his week, and if he had anything interesting going on. He started to talk about a digital short that he was working on for his YouTube channel – some sort of a political satire short. I was very supportive, asking him questions, and even told him I would love to see it when it was done. “Oh, I don’t know – it’s not that good. I messed up on the shoot and the first part of the audio is bad.” Um, okay. He was clearly insure about it. And at the risk of sounding mean – I really didn’t care about seeing the video one way or another – I was just trying to be supportive, interested, and polite. So if he didn’t want to share with me, that’s fine.

The food comes, we struggle through some more conversation, and I find myself making excuses for the lulls. “Sorry I’m more quiet, I’m just so tired” I tried to justify to him. I planted the seed that I may not be able to watch a movie afterwards - depending on the time. Finally we get to a point where we are done with our meals. The waitress asks if we need boxes and we both say yes. I then found myself chuckling inside thinking of the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the quote about taking home leftovers:

“Random Guy: A girl will never sleep with you if she calls you "cuddly" or "dependable", if she pops a zit in front of you, if her name is Amber or Christine, if she takes a dump in your bathroom, or if she takes leftovers on dates one, two, or three. I know it's not scientific, but I'm just saying, you were warned.”

Haha. I guess this is not looking good for A.S.

After our food was boxed, the waitress comes back to the table with the bill and fortune cooks. And this is where it all went downhill.

First let me share my philosophy on “who pays” for dates. I don’t think the burden should have to solely fall on the man to pay for everything, so I always offer to a least pay half (or “go dutch” if you will). If a guy prefers to pay, of course that is fine with me. If a guy allows me to pay some or all, I’m good with that too. So when the bill was dropped off, I did the natural “grab your wallet” sign that you do to indicate that I was offering. This seems like a pretty universal signal to me – I do it at business lunches, friend dinners, and dates – grabbing your wallet says “hey, I’m willing to take care of the bill, or at least some portion.” So after grabbing my wallet, he didn’t immediately say anything. He put down his card. So then I deliberately and slowly take out my card, making sure he saw me pulling out my card…pause, eye contact made…still he said nothing. Okay, I took this lack of comment as he was good with me putting my card down too, and just didn’t want to make a big deal about it. Dutch…sounds good…fine with me. After I set my card down, we start to open of fortune cookies, but A.S. pauses and then gives me a very weird look. He finally speaks:

“Uh, this is uncomfortable.”

Confused, I look around trying to figure out what he is talking about. I notice that he is now staring at the bill with our two cards on it. So I respond.

“Oh.” relived that it wasn’t something bigger, I continued “I just wanted to offer to pay some, but if you are not comfortable with that, it’s fine. Whatever you prefer is good with me.”

He is now getting more visibly uncomfortable by the minute. He rubs his head and then very flustered he puts his hand up by his face.


*Not A.S., just an example

With his hands still near his face, he slightly moves them back and forth as he begins to speak.

“I’m just not good in these situations.” He frustratingly blurts out.

I’m thinking situation? What situation? The bill?

“Well” I responded, “It’s really no big deal to me either way, whatever makes you comfortable. Dating is a two-way street, so I just wanted to offer, not make you uncomfortable.”

He awkwardly continues to dodge looking at me, and just appears super distressed, shifting in his seat.

The waitress comes back, looks at the bill and asks if it is ready. I pause for a moment to see what he would say, waiting for him to make a decision that would hopefully make him more comfortable. But he seemed to remain in his personal spiral not saying a word, so I spoke up and just told the waitress to put half on each card.

I open up my fortune and read the words “Accept the next proposition you hear.” I decide not to share this with him – not sure what he might say.

The waitress comes back with the credit card receipts, and A.S. said, “at least let me leave the tip.” Of course I agreed.

Now I want to be clear about how this “situation” made me feel. I didn’t care either way who paid, whether we split it, or whatever. Again, I think it is the polite thing to do to at least offer, and that is what I thought I was doing. What I didn’t like was how he reacted. After I put my card down on the bill he could have said a million other things that would have been okay…
- he could have just simply said “thanks” and let us split it.
- he could of insisted to pay (if that is how he felt)
- he could have said nothing if he was that uncomfortable and just let the waitress take it.
He basically could have done anything except react in the way he did. He freaked out. He made the “situation” a big deal, when it didn’t have to be a big deal.

And again, it wasn’t about the bill or who paid, but it did throw up a huge red flag for me. If this guy panicked over who paid for dinner – how would he be in a real “situation”? What if later on down the line, we were hit with a real crisis, how would he respond?

Basically what this “situation” told me is that I don’t want this guy in my foxhole.

So we leave the restaurant, and I was glad I planted the seed earlier about being too tired for the movie, because I took this opportunity to politely reschedule. I offered to take him home since he had walked, and he was about a mile a way. Once we pulled up to his house, we hugged in the car, and he kissed me on the cheek. I told him “see you again soon” and just left it at that.

It’s probably pretty clear to you all that I was thinking I didn’t really want another date with this guy. But I guess the feeling was mutual, because neither of us have texted each other since.


Should I rethink offering to pay the bill?